Guest Blogger: Tara’s World

I’m so excited to be able to introduce you to my very first guest blogger! Tara @ Tara’s World, has taken the bait…LOL…

Hello! I’m happy to be writing my very first guest post! Thanks, Tina, for letting me hijack your blog today!

My name is Tara. I have been married to Jim for nearly a decade now. During that time we’ve had a total of five pregnancies which eventually brought us Evan who is 8, Aidan-5, Toby-3 and Avery Rose who is now 20 months old. In between Evan and Aidan we miscarried twins at 13 weeks gestation. And my second pregnancy is what I’d like to share with you today.

Just a few weeks after I found out I was pregnant for the second time I started spotting. I was told that this was normal and to not be concerned. It wasn’t normal for me and I was concerned. As the spotting continued I made my way to the ER for some blood work and an ultrasound peek at who was inside. Much to my surprise, I found that there were two some bodies swimming and dancing inside

Six weeks later I was still spotting here and there, but ultrasounds continued to confirm that there were two little jellybeans squiggling around; until the end of August. At that point our worst fears were confirmed. Both babies had died, likely a couple of weeks earlier.

It sounds so cold to say, “I had a d&c and it was over” but in a nutshell that’s what happened. You can read the complete story on my blog in the August 2008 archive.

Now I have joined a new sisterhood, one of grieving mothers. And as I mingled with women who have not experienced a loss in pregnancy I learned that there are helpful things to say and do and things that are not so helpful. Things, which while they may be well meaning, are actually the opposite.

If you hear of someone who has lost a baby during pregnancy, please acknowledge the loss. If you don’t know what to say that’s okay. A simple, “I’m so sorry to hear of your loss” will do. Please don’t say trite or cliché things like, “it was God’s will,” or “it’s for the best/the baby is in a better place,” or “there must have been something wrong with it.” In the midst of grief the mother won’t care who’s will it was, surely the best thing for a baby is to be with his mother and any mother of a special needs child will tell you that they wouldn’t trade that child away just because they have something “wrong” with them. Please don’t tell them, “call me if you need anything.” This puts the burden of asking for help on the grieving person and often they don’t know what they need! Instead be specific, offer to go grocery shopping, take care of an older child, bring a meal or clean the bathroom. Any of those gestures would be greatly appreciated and would be an evidence of faith in action. There are other suggestions, but I think the most important one would be to remember. Remember the baby’s due date, that day is particularly hard, especially if the woman isn’t pregnant again. Remember also the anniversary of the miscarriage. You won’t make Mom sad, she’s already sad. You’ll remind her that you remember her baby on a special day when it is likely nobody else would remember.

As they say, time is the great healer. I have gone on to have three little ones since the miscarriage. I am honored to be able to share my experience with women who are experiencing miscarriage. If you are finding yourself on the grieving end of a miscarriage please know that eventually you will wake up and not cry. You will notice several hours have passed without you thinking about your baby. You will even be able to hold another baby without crying. Time has healed my heart, though there will always be a soft spot in my heart for those two little jellybeans I had the honor of mothering for thirteen weeks.

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